How People See Singleness

As a single pastor I often get questions related to singleness.  I received some questions from a woman who went through a divorce many years ago and is struggling to be feminine and content when life demands her to assume more masculine roles.  Here is part of my response:

I would like to share a few things.  First of all, thanks for asking me!  The fact that you are seeking dialogue tells me you are in a posture of learning and growing, which is right where God wants us.

Secondly, while I can relate in some ways to your questions about singleness, image bearing, and sexuality, there are challenges to single womanhood that certainly go beyond my experience.  My heart resonates with your comments about being a woman, mom, employee, and other roles which demand a certain masculinity from you that you would rather not have to resource.  This broken world holds many tensions and disparities, that is one of them.

I guess the main thing I would say is you face a decision of perspective in these matters.  Will you define yourself according to how you perceive others to see you OR according to how God sees you.  By some standards (perhaps your family or friends), your singleness is less than ideal (I know that feeling).  You might feel that among Christians as well.  You may feel that from yourself and life dreams/hopes that you had which have not materialized.  All these things are very real but they are very temporary.  All these people, you included, will be dead soon.  If it doesn’t matter in a 100 years, it doesn’t matter (Mark Cahill).  The real issue is how does God see you?  In those terms, he sees you as his child, complete in Christ, object of love, recipient of grace and eternal life.  NOTHING can change that as his love is steadfast and immovable.  You will not step into eternity married, single, or divorced.  Merely forgiven or not.  Under grace or not.  Beloved of Christ or not. 

So while marriage and singleness are important earthly categories, they are merely earthly categories and a part of a world that is passing away.   These are the Shadowlands, eternity is the reality.

Hang in there.  God promises grace for these days and unspeakable joy in the future.

Live for then,

Pastor Steve

© 2010 Steve DeWitt. You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that: (1) you credit the author, (2) any modifications are clearly marked, (3) you do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction.


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  1. Danielle

    I can relate to this woman all too well. My heart shares her pain and much of her concerns. Thank you for posting this!

  2. tiffany obrien

    This was beautiful… while I don’t suffer from the lack of feeling feminine I do have the feeling of being responsible for many. In the beginning of my single-mom and caregiver season a godly wise woman said to me ” tiffany, if you died tomorrow your dad and children would be cared for….” I stood there as she drove away and presumed to think how wrong she was because I was the only one who wanted to care for my dad and while yes my kids had their own loving Father to care for them would it be as good as my care?? Ahhh but God is so good in His refining of this child He loves and has brought me so far that I can know His will is perfect and its not in my own strength at all but in His always.

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